Recently I had a very interesting encounter. I was introduced to someone and as we were sitting and chatting she asked me if I had children and I replied ‘no we don’t have children’. Somewhere along the conversation the poor lady apologized to me in case her question made me feel awkward. I quite confidently answered ‘no’, not quite sure why her question would make me feel awkward. Then she shared how her husband and her had been trying for many years and she knew exactly how it felt. As I listened attentively to her I suddenly realized……..she is assuming we have been trying to have a child. I tried sympathizing with her situation and at the same time explaining to her that WE DON’T WANT CHILDREN, we are not childless we choose to be child-free.

The interaction left me quite amused. It made me wonder though why people assume not wanting children is synonymous to not being able to have children. Why is it not an option to not want children. I often find people, especially from Asian cultures, unable to grasp this concept.They automatically assume something is ‘broken’.

Here are some of the reactions and arguments we have heard over the years and our thoughts on them:

– you should really try, they have made so much progress in the medical field : this one always leaves me amused and speechless, and most of the time I choose not to even qualify it with a remark. Actually to be honest it is easier to let them believe it is a medical issue then try to explain why we don’t want children 🙂

– they are so many options, if nothing works at least think of adoption: ok adoption is not a last resort, nor should it be plan C, you either are comfortable with adoption or not, it is not a consolation prize.

– you will regret your decision: just as you might regret yours of having children, getting married, etc.

– what will happen when you are old: we are not sure if we will get to be old, and if we do, our future is as uncertain as yours.

– but you both are so nice you would have such lovely children: I don’t think genetics quite works that way, good parents = good children.

– you would be great parents: no guarantees there, every parents tries to be a great parent.

– have them and give them to us, we will raise them: and the point of the whole exercise would be…..

– It’s really not that bad….well then how bad is it

– who will you love and call your own: Many people believe that to truly and unconditionally love a child it has to be their own ‘production’, so to speak. I guess my husband and I have never felt that in order to love a child he/she has to be from us. We both love our nieces and nephews, we love our friends’ children, I love the children I work with, and yet we are very comfortable not having them 24×7.

– you are being selfish: how is not wanting children any more (or less) selfish than wanting children. Most people who have children are also doing it for selfish reasons: be it the desire to love someone, the desire to play with someone, the desire to propagate your seed, the desire to not be alone in your old age, or just a mindless choice towards the natural progression of life. With a 7 billion world population I am note sure which is a more selfish choice

– children strengthen marriages: children bring out what is already in a marriage, if it is a happy marriage they add to it and if it is a bad marriage they only make it worse.

– we know what it is like to not have children we waited before we had ours: making a conscious choice to not have children is not the same as waiting to have children. It is like saying we know what it is like to lose a spouse because we were single once. It is a very different state of mind, one is a waiting period with the clear end goal of having children and the other is  a consistent lifestyle choice.

– and my all time favorite from a dear aunt who after hours of trying to convince me to have a child, finally declared ‘no one does not want to have children people only say that when they cannot have children’.

What I find  interesting is that when someone tells you that they are getting married you do not tell them”you really should think about it, are you sure you want to be married all your life, you might regret being married”. Case in point being that when someone tells you they do not want children it is not a debate, it is not a discussion and nor is it a propagation of an ideology. They are simply stating a decision and just as you would respect all other (conventional) decisions people take, you also need to respect this one.

So finally after all our interesting encounters my husband and I have decided to call ourselves child-free. Because childless implies the lack of a child in one’s life, which could be medical, circumstantial, temporary or permanent. Child-free is a conscious choice, it is a gain of certain freedoms or lifestyle options, which one deems valuable.

One of my favorite quotes on children is from Khalil Gibran:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.